I scrape through my thoughts. I always forget to reach into them. There are things I never intended on forgetting but I know I have and that haunts me. They choke me up some times when there’s nothing left to clear my head. I don’t want to forget anything anymore. I’m having these constant uprooting urges to dig my nails into things like this. I’ve always needed tangible, I think. I’ve been needing this.

I remember the night you lost your grandfather. You were sitting in a venue in in Long Island, New York when you heard the news. You hated everything about that damn city. I think I will for now on, too. You were halfway through your winter 2013 tour and you had been pushing for weeks. A different city every night with a few shitty hours of sleep in the back of a van under your belt each day, if you were lucky. I thought I was worried about you before you left for tour. This winter wasn’t kind to you.

I remember you telling me how badly you wished you were home. I think I’ll always remember that night because I couldn’t stop choking on my words. I had never wanted so badly to put someone’s face in my hands and tell them how wonderful they were to me as I did that night. But when I get to thinking, I think maybe I have felt that way since I met you.

I don’t think I could forget your home coming if I tried. I remember sitting in that drive way cursing my fingers and thinking that if there was ever a time to call a quaking in my stomach ‘butterflies’ that I guess this would be it. That sounds so much more delicate than it was. I thought I was going to puke. A lot. I remember saying again and again, “be cool, be cool” and maybe I was. Yeah, maybe I was but any composure I had didn’t stand a god damn chance when you stepped out from behind that van. When I  saw you I thought every nerve ending in my body could have been a fucking live wire. You picked me up and swung me around and all I could manage were six shakey words in your ear. I wonder if you heard the crack in my voice. I know I’ll never have the courage to ask you.

“I have missed you so much.”

But when I get to thinking, I think maybe I have felt that way since I met you.

I don’t want to forget.