I'm human, what can I say?

         Life has highs, and life has lows. I guess I'm just having a bit of a rough patch. I feel bad even writing this.I think that's my biggest problem anymore. I feel like the world has enough negativity, and I should NEVER contribute to that. I want to spread positivity and compassion. I'm embarrassed of when I don't feel particularly up to par. I feel like no one's going to want to hear about how I'm feeling if it's anything less than absolutely positive. I feel like I'm judged as weak this way. But I can't hold these things in, then there's a possibility of me not spreading the uplifting things I want to. Sometimes I just have to sit myself down and rationalize. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself, Hannah.

         I've battled an eating disorder for years and I couldn't be anymore proud to say I believe I am fully recovered. But through stressful situations, or things that take a toll on self esteem... relapse seems like such a seductive thing. For so long starving was my coping mechanism. Now I have to come up with coping mechanisms FOR my coping mechanism. It's a hard thing. Walking on a tight rope between and keeping my head clear and being the person I want to be, growing even further, allowing my past to influence others to take the high route, or doing the easy thing for me. Starve, isolate, and self destruct. Like I said earlier, I feel so ashamed that these thoughts still even exist. I'm viewed as a different person than I was last year and all the time   Anorexia had it's hold of me.

         But, you know what? I am human. I am no different than anyone else. I'm going to have inspirational thoughts and I'm going to have some down right discouraging ones. That's something I can't control. But what I can control, is what I do with them. That's what's changed since last year. I will not let any incident at home, any boyfriend troubles back track all the progress I've made. My role model once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."- Eleanor Roosevelt. I think she may have been onto something.